I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
