Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
