Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
