dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
