My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
