blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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