I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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