I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
