The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
