There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
