I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
