i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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