Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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