i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
