I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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