Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
