That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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