I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
