I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
