so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
