So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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