i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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