why didn't you poke me back
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
