rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
