we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
