so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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