Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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