Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
