He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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