My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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