I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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