If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize