Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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