i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
