Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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