Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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