Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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