dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
