when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
