please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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