Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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