this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
