It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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