gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
