i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
