Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
