Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
