I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
