Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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