It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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