I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
pop tarts are not kleenex
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
