I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
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there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
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Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.