Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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