Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
